Lost in Life

have you ever felt stuck in life? i guess i’m in that stage now. i believe in the saying that anyone can be whoever they want to be. the problem? i don’t know who i want to be. i guess the reason would be that i am content or i already am who i want to be. but does life stops there? of course not. that’s why i’m in a dilemma. it seems like if i don’t figure this out that i would not move on in life. where’s the next level? how does anyone get there?

i just arrived at my 20’s and i’m having a life crisis. i feel like this is the end of the road and it’s all downhill from here. like life after college would be a big disappointment or something scary. i know that God is actually inspiring me a lot lately and a lot of my obsessions (simple things that makes me happy) since i was in high school were coming back again which is not that bad but then again i don’t really know.

i also realized that i’m more of a thinker than a doer. and when i do something it takes awhile since i usually would think about the effects of it and whether it is good or bad at the moment. the industry would prefer a doer than a thinker so heck i’m digging my own hole.

success. i think i want that. but the definition of success is relative in my opinion. so what is it for me? i’m afraid it’s wanting everything all at once. which can be selfish and unrealistic. a woman who wants career, love life, family, friends, community involvement, spirituality… those seem simple words but in the real sense of each word they’re difficult to chew and balance. i guess when every opportunity you have is within your reach it’s even more difficult to choose which path to take.

why is life complicated? it’s not, it’s us that make it complicated. instead of just simply living/surviving we overanalyze and overcriticize. we want more out of life. and what’s gonna happen in the end? we die. what will we leave? memories and of course the path that we took. a small imprint of our entire existence through the lives that we’ve changed through other people and our environment.

i also believe that the universe conspires in making one’s dreams a reality. but everytime i create a new dream i analyze it first if it’s really worth the time and i feel that what i’m coming up with are shallow dreams. i guess the reason for that would be beacuse it only involves myself. that would mean my sister is right, i am selfish. it is mostly composed of what do i want to achieve or do. i hate thinking of myself as selfish. the reason is that i do try to think and involve other people in the intentions of my actions but then the results may oversee other aspects of it. like i want a successful career and lots of money in order to provide for my family specifically for my parents in the future. but i’m having less time to spend with them. and they are growing old. i think i should give more time to travel with them and have more time with them but i do what i can in my own small way but for other people it’s just not enough.

some people would say live your life one day at a time. i guess i have to just live by that and make do with what i have right now.

my goals now… acquire skills, utilize them properly, help others, take care of myself and connect with people… let the flow of life direct me to where i’m headed. but honestly, im afraid to just let it all go. i mean what if this is the wrong thing to do? what if you should paddle your own way to the river of life? man oh man? what is the right thing to do?

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I just saw the movie but I didn’t have the choice to finish it. The cable turned off at the climax (kind of pissed off about that). The movie was hysterical! Robert Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer were great and very funny!
Favorite lines in the movie:
Perry: Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you’ll find?
Harry: A picture of me?
Perry: No! The definition of idiot. Which you fucking are!
By the way, I saw this pic of Robert Downey Jr. from the IMDB site and thought that he looks like Al Pacino. Oh, and Michelle Monaghan reminded me of Kimberly Williams (from the Father of the Bride).

Robert	Al	Michelle	Kimberly
Downey Jr.	Pacino	Monaghan	Williams

Lessons in Life

I’ve realized that in each moment in my life lessons have always been there. It’s just a matter of reflecting and realizing that they are there for a reason and the reason is to learn and of course to apply them. But why do we need to learn? Why do we need to improve? Why is it that we need and have to change for the better? Why do we want perfection? I don’t know any answers to my questions so feel free to share your point-of-view.

Anyways let me share to you some of the lessons that I have reflected on and experienced but not necessarily learned.

CONCENTRATE

Multitasking seems to be the in-thing in this day and age. It saves time or at least we think it saves time. But what I have observed is that for non-mechanical tasks multitasking is not that productive after all. It’s better to concentrate when you’re doing something such as drawing, playing music, reading, and studying. The output would be better and you’d probably finish faster even having a lot of extra time at the end. So to remind me not to watch tv while studying here’s the lesson.

UNDERSTAND

Don’t expect others to understand you even if you understand them. I think of myself as an understanding person. I try to see where a person is coming from. I thought that in doing this other people would be more understanding of myself. I guess I was wrong. So don’t expect that what you’re doing to others would be done to you. But what the heck do it anyways just don’t expect.

HOUSEMATES

Just because you live with them doesn’t mean you know them. My family seems to be close (tight bond) if you’re an outsider looking in. But the reality is no one’s family is that perfect. There are cracks and webs. There are secrets and lies. I have realized that I have grown up with my family not really knowing who I am. I thought that they knew me but again I was wrong. But it’s not entirely their fault. It’s not like I open myself to them. I guess when I was young I thought that they would always know. And I have my own faults too. I don’t really do a lot of effort of knowing them either. It’s like their so familiar to me but yet I have no idea who they really are. I have some perception and observation of who they are but I still think that I don’t know. I also realized that my father is not only a father, my mother is not only a mother, my sister is not only a sister and my brother is not only a brother. They are people too. They have flaws. They have their own lives. And I have mine.

Other lessons would be posted as they are met…

Dream Diary Entry #2

I am with my friends in a mall and I keep on going to the bathroom. Blurry details… In the bathroom, I’m carrying champagne. More blurry details…

A guard in a house was going home. The guard mentioned that we can enter the house but it should be transformed into a ship for me and my companion (who’s a guy which I’ve never seen before) to use. I went in and converted the house into a flying spaceshiplike craft. I drove the spaceship forward then upwards. When I saw that my friend was left out I parked the craft and let him in. Then, we lock the doors but we don’t know which is for the lock so we started pushing different buttons. I drove for a while. But the perspective in the dream looked like I can’t see directly where I’m going, like an outsider. And we tried to just drive like the craft was a car.

Then the drivers changed into Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala. Padme is pregnant and she’s driving. When the baby kicked they switch and Anakin let Padme rest for awhile. Anakin drove and got tired also so he checked the map for the appropriate place to park. He found a space on the side of the road covered by some trees. He flew the craft there and slept. While he was asleep, some of the vans and cars vacationing also parked their vehicles near the ship. They seemed to be sleeping outside with a bed in their birthday suit. But when both Anakin and Padme woke up, they were not in a spaceship anymore but in a jeep with other people in it. When they asked the driver what happened to the craft, he said that it was taken for security reasons and then sold to a rich guy.

I awoke.

Dream Diary Entry #1

I am attending a talk inside a church. I am sitting at the very end in the midsection. My friend, Mitch, is sitting with some of her friends in the left section also at the end. I think they organized the event with my help. All the other participants were kids. Two of them were in front of me. They teased me because I was wearing a short jumper which they said was informal and similar to what they are wearing. They implied that I shouldn’t be clothed in children’s clothing. I think the event was a Christmas Party. So my reply to them was that in the next day I would be in a formal attire. After the talk, Mitch wanted to take pictures of the group with the priest. I offered to take the picture since it wasn’t my project and I didn’t need to be in the picture. I captured it with my cellphone camera but I seemed to keep on erasing the picture although I’ve gotten really good shots of them.

…

I am walking home. The path that I am taking is a different one but I think it was the path that I usually take when I come home in a car in the suburbs. While I was walking I came across two of my classmates from elementary, Joy and Jazz. They were talking about going home also. But when we came across Jazz’s house it seemed to be being rebuilt. She said that because of the storm her house was damaged. Joy also mentioned about her destroyed home. And I told them about our house being affected also by storm and that we needed to move. I then offered to eat at my house. When we got to my house it seemed different to my house in the suburbs. It look and feel more like a different house entirely. So I let my friends inside and toured them to the house but the table was not yet set so we went outside. I left them there and asked a maid if she could set the table. When I called my friends to eat, my mother called me.

She asked my opinion about the plants that should be in a particular place in the garden. I only saw two seeds at first. So I asked her which one is the plant with yellow leaves. She replied that it was to be placed in the other part of the garden. We got into a small argument because she was asking me something that she already knew the answer to. She then pointed out to me that there was another plant to choose from she described their difference. One has smooth leaves and the other has rigid and sharp ones. After her description the plants were now grown. I could see their leaves. I then told her to put the rigid plant in that place since its neighbors have smooth leaves while put the smooth plant some place where its neighbors would be rigid looking.

After eating, I went to look for what I would wear the next day. But all of my clothes were gone from the master’s bedroom where my parents stay and where my clothes usually are. I ask my mother where they were. She replied that they were all in my new room. I am feeling upset. My feelings was aggrevated when I saw my room at the attic and all my things were put in different boxes. I tried to look for my clothes but I couldn’t find them. I then shouted for my mother to find me my clothes. She went up and helped me look for them.

…

The next day came and I was in church. I am wearing something that Ellen Degeneres would usually wear, a khaki pants with a khaki jacket and gray or white undershirt. I am now sitting in the left section but still at the end. But the church was now full with my classmates from elementary and high school or at least our section was. The talk was a bit boring so I drowse off. Some of my classmates also slept and changed places a lot. Camil is in my left and I seem to be hugging Alj. Then I woke up and started to read a small black book.

The talk continued on and I was amazed by the presentation. Because the priest made a great metaphor about what he is explaining and he’s powerpoint. It’s about a guy guitarist in which his guitar was electronic but was not plugged into anything. Instead, it had an antenna on the guitar’s head. The guitarist was comical and seemed to be in a musical contest. He won but instead of claiming the prize for himself we went on to be a band member. Some of my friends went to the front of the church to go outside but they came back immediately.

Then I woke up.

First Day High Indeed

it was a day unlike any days of my life. although it started as though it was another first day of school. i have brought my favorite book along with me since usually the first days of school provide students more leisure time than the succeeding days. sitting in the company of my friends, i found comfort in reading. i’m not the chattering type back then and maybe even now. as i was flipping through the next page of the book, a person opened the door in front of the class. thinking that the one who entered was the professor, i looked up and closed my book. and there was he, with a breeze of charm and good looks along with him. he seemed arrogant yet kind at the same time. our eyes met just for a millisecond and i glanced back to my book. and guess where he sat. yes. right next to me.

i didn’t know how i looked, hopefully not bad and not covered in drool. although i actually have never thought of asking myself this question until now. i usually am not the vain-type or a person who would even care about my personal looks. after all i only comb once a day and that’s after i take a bath. and i don’t even blowdry my hair. just a realization. anyway, back to the unforgettable day and hopefully i looked decent enough that day.

i remembered he had been listening to a walkman/cd/mp3 player since ipods are not yet too popular that time. and i can’t concentrate in my reading, good thing that our professor finally had arrived. she has a motherly aura when she came in so my day was not trembled by any misfortunes. she asked us to get a paper and write some personal information. this simple gesture of her presented me with one of the coolest oppurtunities i have had in my life. the guy slightly turned his head and leaned a bit to ask something about the task. when i have noticed that he was facing me, my heart beat faster. when he spoke and when i realized that he was asking a question, my mind was racing on how i would answer this simple query. so i then replied “yes” after i have no idea how long but it seemed long at least to me. was that the most difficult word to say? i guess when you’re meeting your first-crush-at-first-sight it is.